Frugies Under Attack!

Adam Apple is back from his secret mission to Tanzania. He wanted to rest but a loud mockingbird is chirping through the night in the forest behind his home. It's keeping him up and driving him crazy. Last night Adam called me up, loaded a backpack and together we stomped into Frugie Forest in search of the bird. Ever seen an apple and a mushroom attacked by a mockingbird? As soon as we entered the forest the mockingbird AND SOME OF HIS FRIENDS circled overhead and began swooping towards us. Adam screams, "Fall back, fall back!" I don't know why he'd say that but it's Adam's army and you don't disobey an order. So I fall on my back and I'm laying there watching six birds zeroing in on me. No, they weren't birds. They were DIVE BOMBERS! I can hear Adam screaming into his phone, "Frugie down! We have a Frugie down!" The birds are coming in for another attack. I'm so scared now I couldn't get up if I wanted to! Suddenly the birds scatter and a helicopter is landing right beside me! A second later we're in the chopper and Adam's saying, "We have to re-think this mission! We'll try again some other time!" Forget it. Not me! I've had it! The only thing I'm re-thinking is my friendship with this crazy apple!

Can Someone Please Change The Channel?

You'd think that after the chaos of yesterday's jet ski outing that we'd lay low and not call too much attention to ourselves. Unfortunately, we Frugies aren't very good at not calling attention to ourselves. I.C. Berg, one of our more outspoken Frugies (that's him at the top) and leader of yesterday's wedding disaster says, "Hey! Let's go on TV and have a talent show!" So 18 Frugies hop onto Farmer John's flatbed truck for the ride to the TV station. Missing are Adam Apple who's still on his secret mission in Tanzania and Mel, who's resting up after his fall in Spritzer's. (Yesterday he told me that he wants to take his case to court and be his own attorney. Heaven help the judge who gets this case!) The TV station loved the idea of a Frugie talent show and agreed to televise it on national TV. No big deal...except for the fact that we're going to be ON NATIONAL TV!!! I don't know, maybe it's a mushroom thing, but I was trembling the minute I saw the TV cameras. Why did Drucker make me such a wimp? Why couldn't he have made me big and powerful and called me Mighty Mushroom? Instead, when it was my turn to perform I stood there unable to do or say a thing. Yet everyone in the studio audience started clapping! I was shaking so much they must have thought I was doing the hula! Tomorrow, Suzie Strawberry, who really is a dancer, gets a turn. Oh, I almost forgot. What do you think of I.C. Berg? Looks a little like Ben Franklin, doesn't he?

Frugies On Jet Skis

Down at the marina today five Frugies boarded jet skis. Squeezer was driving like he's Dale Earnhardt, Jr. while I did what I do best on jet skis – sit behind the driver and hold on for dear life! Fellow Frugie Rudy Potato was on the other jet ski and I.C. Berg, a normally level-headed head of lettuce was on the third with Tina Tomato. Why is everything such an adventure with this group of Frugies? Why can't we just get on our jet skis for a spin around the lake, go home and watch a basketball game like everyone else? There were four hurricanes this season where we live. As a result, the water levels on the lake were high enough to submerge the docks leading to the homes of some very wealthy lakefront residents. I.C. decides to speed along the edges of the lake completely forgetting about the docks. He's doing 35 mph which is fast on water! Lettuce leaves are flapping in the wind! Squeezer's hat flies off! I'm whispering loudly to myself, "Please run out of gas. Please run out of gas," when all of a sudden our single file of jet skis mounts a barely submerged platform taking us out of the water, into the air and straight into the flaps of a big white tent where oh, maybe 75 human beings are sitting quietly witnessing A WEDDING! Our jet skis come in for a landing right down the middle aisle. Everyone's ducking for cover. The young couple up front scream and run as all three jet skis plow into the table holding the wedding cake which is now airborne! As we blasted through the other end of the tent I glanced back to see the cake land on the bride-to-be's beautiful white wedding dress. People are running after us but the momentum of our personal watercraft has us skidding on the lawn right back into the lake on the other side of the house and I'm mumbling to myself "Please don't run out of gas, please don't run out of gas!" We must have hit 60 mph on the escape run back to the marina. Tina couldn't stop laughing. All in all a typical day in the life of a Frugie. Now Mel wants to consult with me on the slip and fall lawsuit he's thinking of filing against Spritzer's. Never a dull moment. That's all we need... a courtroom filled with Frugies!

Is There A Lawyer In The House?

As promised, here's a shot of Adam Apple, probably parachuting as we speak into the screen enclosure of someone's pool in Tanzania. You can see Adam's unique brand of cockeyed cockiness. Drucker gave him all the core qualities of a true American patriot: honesty, integrity, and a gung-ho determination to serve his country and make the world a better place. We'll see what kind of cockamaime stories he brings home this time. Today the rest of the Frugies are hanging around Spritzer's water bar where Pepe L'Pepper serves up designer waters and offerings from his sacred recipe file. That little runt Banana Skip, who gets on my last nerve, comes in with two spray bottles dangling from the holster around his waist. Think Dennis the Menace meets John Wayne. The kid is a complete embarrassment to his mother Hanna. Anyway, he grabs a seat at the counter and when no one's looking sprays the floor where Wally Watermelon, or Mel, as we call him, is passing by. (We call Wally Mel because we get so tired of these alliterative names Drucker and his pal came up with --Penelope Pear, Suzie Strawberry, give us a break!) So Mel slips and falls with an enormous thud and before you can say frivolous lawsuit spudmeister Rudy Potato screams out, "Ya know, you can sue 'em for this!," and Mel walks away scratching his heavy head. On my way out I see Mel looking through the Yellow Pages. The Attorneys section is probably heavier than he is but there he is taking the first step towards a lawsuit that can't be good for this group of Frugies which is already dysfunctional enough to qualify for its own reality show!

An Apple A Day Makes Me Want To See A Doctor

I wanted to tell you about some of the other Frugies...good upright citizens like Squeezer, our sunny orange, and Tina Tomato, our hilariously conflicted friend who doesn't know if she's a fruit or a vegetable. Tina's in therapy and we'll get to some of her sessions but last night at the Philharmonic performance I told you that Adam Apple was recruiting for a secret mission to Tanzania. Adam is a patriot. He convinced six other Frugies to sign on to the mission and after the concert they boarded a plane at Frugie International. No one knows what they're up to. Adam said something about national security. He has no idea how ridiculous he looks in a parachute but there he was with a small unit of celery stalks taking off in the middle of the night on a chartered jet bound for Tanzania. Maybe we'll learn something on his return. Adam's always off on secret missions but the funny thing is that he CAN'T KEEP A SECRET! So he'll be back soon, blabbing about his exploits and expecting me to tell you all about them, which I will. I'll post Adam's picture tomorrow. It might blow his cover but I doubt anyone in Tanzania is reading blogs, let alone this one.

The Frugie Philharmonic

Never again, that's all I can say. Never again will I play the flute for such a band of bickering Frugies. I try to bring a sense of decorum to this group but I have only so much influence. Peach Velour opens a duet with the spudmeister himself, Rudy Potato. Fine, everything's going well except IN THE MIDDLE OF THEIR SONG, the old lunatic, E.J. Cobb hops on stage plucking his fiddle and singing like a senior Garth Brooks on steroids. We suspect the old ear of corn has a hearing problem because he is oblivious to the fact that Rudy and PV are performing. The other Frugies take this as a cue that anything goes and soon Suzie Strawberry, our Valley Girl ballerina, is onstage doing piroettes. Penelope Pear is tinging a triangle. Miss Sweetie Pie is posing as if she's just won the beauty pageant. And Adam Apple is setting up a recruitment table trying to sign Frugies up for a secret mission to Tanzania. "I am acting on orders of the President of the United States," is all he can say when I suggest he set up after the show, not during it. I need to find my pills. Just trying to recount these events is getting to me. I'll pick up later.

Lord Mushroom

Lord_Mushroom
Originally uploaded by Lord Mushroom.

Hello, it's me.

Where To Begin?

As a mushroom I am in the dark about many things, including blogging. The fact that I got this thing to work is an achivement of enormous proportions. My intent is to tell you about my friends, The Frugies. They are a group of fruits and vegetables unlike anything you'll find in your produce section. For example, Madam Carla Carrot. She sees into the future with a crystal ball. Onion Joy...well, what would you expect from an onion? Tears, and lots of them. She is so sweet, though, and really, all she wants is to be everyone's friend. When you're around her all I can say is bring tissues. I've got to run. The Frugie Philharmonic is tuning up for a performance this evening and I promised to play the flute. I'll be back with more about The Frugies as soon as possible. If only I could figure out how to get pictures on this blog. I'm on a Mac and they don't make it easy for mushrooms on Macs.